Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
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The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.