DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.


My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.


nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.


If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.


My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.


Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that


Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.


A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.


I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.