@trojansauce

DAVE: sorry im late alvin needed me
DATE: is that your son?
DAVE: for the last time gwen, he’s the lead singer in the chipmunk band i manage

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@Cheeseboy22

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@iamburtjarvis

nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?

me: laughter

nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-

me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.

@girl_a_whirl

If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.

@aveuaskew

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

@abbycohenwl

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@bathflyer

A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.

@WhtUReallyMean

I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.