Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?

ME: {seductively} One sec.

[2 minutes later]

ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy