Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games

If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Him: Why are you going in circles???

Me: I’m buffering!!!

we all know this pain all too well

Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.