“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
This was the best day of my life
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Just did a big green poo by a canal
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If looks could kill