“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute