“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Sorry. Not sorry
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.