“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.