Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!

Very funny Mom!

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?

-my kid who is about to get us burglarized

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

911 what’s your emergency?

I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.

Ma’am we don’t–

IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

This squirrel eats better than I do

Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong