Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

A Pringles Tube but for Donuts

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.

He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
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Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’

Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’

‘Who?’

Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.