Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
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[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.