David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
You Might Also Like
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.