Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

drunk god: land clouds

angel: those are sheep

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

My boss called in sick of me

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

art teacher: is that a bird or a plane

young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

Yup

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.