DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you want my opinion ask my wife
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load