Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Inside you there are two wolves

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-

Wife: No

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game

Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac

Me: I’m over it

[halftime, 2 beers later]

TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶

Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

Swedish for common sense.

[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.