Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?

Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.

6: Yeah. By himself.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

Yes, but you should see the other pea

~Black eyed pea probably

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

Me flirting at a party

me: so what’s your major

her: radiology

me: oh cool AM or FM?

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

Happy thanksgiving

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.