Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

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Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

i hope my email finds you on fire

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had