David Attenborough, the confusing early years
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Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.