Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

(sees a hot guy at the bar)

me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I find it very sad how Wile E. Coyote is only remembered for his failures, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!

If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.