David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.