David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”