[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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That lamp looks PISSED.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?