[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Your secret is safeish with me
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.