Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

How’s your Saturday going?

I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”

What I say: it’s time for bed

What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.