[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?