[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*