If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
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Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
my retirement plan is braless
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit