[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.