Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).

mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice

waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water

10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Omg 🤣

Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.