[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
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haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.