[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
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Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil