Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane