[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
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Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
a test & 10-day waiting period before you can use an apostrophe
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
4yo has never been overly original in toy-naming; his T. Rex is named Rexy, his stegosaurus is Steggy, his triceratops is Triceratopsy, his stuffed dog is Puppy. He now has a new triceratops and to differentiate between the two has decided to invoke the animal’s prominent horn.