[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.