[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
You Might Also Like
The vet this morning gave the dogs a bit of peanut butter while they had their check-ups and shots. Was it wrong that I asked for some when I paid the bill?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
January has been Januweary
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.