[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*