Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

You’re like a gym membership.

You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.

[walking on beach]

[find bottle with message in it]

Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?

[another bottle with message washes against my feet]

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge: