Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs

me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?

Me: no idea.

Daughter: a Dinosnore : )

Me: [sniff].

Daughter: are you crying?

Me: I’m just so proud of you.

I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”