[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I identify as an antique shop.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: I’m sorry. I never know what to do with my hands, especially when I’m nervous
Driving instructor: *screaming intensifies
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.