DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
😾
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.