Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace

Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?

Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

There are usually two types of merchants.

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

Her: *5 paragraphs of text

Me: 👍

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today