Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Body by sandwich.

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

I’m not sorry.

7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?

Me: I’m going to be completely hones-

7: *begins crying*

Me: Daddy did. He totally did.

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

who called them poets and not rhyme machines?

If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer