Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day

School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling

CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.

me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?

CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.

Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.

8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?

Me: Ask your mom.

The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.

Silence is golden

But duct tape is silver.

My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]