DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops


DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini


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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?


#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F


I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.


I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.


me: so what do you do

date: i’m a head chef at a restaurant

me: [visibly scared] d-do you grill them or boil them


“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me


Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun


*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT


Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.


Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now


Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos