you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
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If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Saving my good tweets for marriage
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms