@netflix

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?

Unhoppy.

#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F

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I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

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I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

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@jonnysun

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
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caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

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Fun Fact: Koala’s have finger prints like humans. So next time you rob a bank make sure the koala carriers the gun

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Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

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Man dies after body rejects sleeveless Metallica shirt because he didn’t have a barbed wire tattoo.

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Want to feel old? Touch my grandpa, five bucks each. No weirdos