Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this

Inventor: Suuure

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.

Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”

[at the club]

*crawling around on the floor*

HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?

Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it

[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.

I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.