Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

absolute chaos

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.