Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room

They grow up so quick

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”

My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

No flush

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

How to woo a woman

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

*tucks napkin into my shirt*

This meal could get messy.

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.