DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
How times have changed.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?