Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

“You busy tonight?”

Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi

Counting your noodles demonstrates an affinity for ramen numerals.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

ㅤ

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.

husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*

me: what’s with all the water

him: you know FULL WELL

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.