Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.

Me: [mutes TV] what

9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.

Me: …

9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]

Me. It’s *eucalyptus*

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

MUM 😳

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?

I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.