Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff

Trevor: That’s not always practic—

John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

We don’t deserve birds.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient

Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.