Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward

GENE: what is it

ME: hygiene

GENE: hi kev

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors

(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain

cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts

cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?

The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.

So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

I like waiters.

They bring a lot to the table.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead