For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories
David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”
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[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Baller is short for ballerina
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
there’s a phone number
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*