David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

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For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories


[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.


A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.


Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*


Buys valentine.
Writes “I love you” inside.
Mails card to self.
Receives card in mail.
Reads card.
“Eww, why do I attract losers?”


Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.


Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.


*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*