Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.