David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
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3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.