Her: lemme see your phone
Me: I forgot my fingerprint .
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
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I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
[being choked to death]
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.