@AmericanGent69

David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?

Audience full of Dogs: OMG!

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@xLiserx

I sexually identify as Nickelback because people are ashamed of how much they secretly enjoy me.

@DeanB15

Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.

@jonnysun

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

@Miciura

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

@DadandBuried

Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.

@momtribevibe

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

@LurkAtHomeMom

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

@TingyS

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.