David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
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Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
mom had nothing to worry about
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper