Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*

Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

God: I call it a Caterpillar

Angel: What is it?

God: A worm with feet

Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?

God: Then it grows wings

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

[ interview at funeral home ]

director: are you ok being around death

me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag