Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”

“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP

Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing

True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.