Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

watergate? u mean a dam??

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Me: When’s your break today?

Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM

*doorbell rings*

Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles