Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.

I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no

I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you

Given the memory span of a goldfish…

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.

And other 5am thoughts

Bros before Ohioes

If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.

Me: What does my hair look like?

3: Like stupid.

She gets her tact from me.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*