Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.

DATE: I love spicy food.

ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.