David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
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I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
and this one
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN