David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
You Might Also Like
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
My sex drive has a dui
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
New tinder profile pic
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.