David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
You Might Also Like
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.