Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
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Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!