Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.

I’m about to make it rein, deer.

(Please don’t block me.)

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Lil’ Jon: WHAT

Priest: you say “I do”

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I do

Lil’ Jon: OKAY

Priest: I DO

Lil’ Jon: YEAH!

Single men not in love with me.

Explain yourselves.

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

the top three reasons people break up:

-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.