Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
What the hell happened here.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.