Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
What personal space?
My dog
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too