Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…

My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!

Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]

IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER

11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

*brings pen to sword fight*

Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink

“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*

“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*

“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.