Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?