Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice

*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Feeling a little sad…

…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

Basically.

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.