Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

I CALL BULLSHIT

Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:

Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.

ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

ouch

Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people

I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.