Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.

That’s because they’re coughy filters.

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

nothing saves money like being antisocial

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.

Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.

HER: There’s not even a bed in here.

ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*

HER: Holy shit!

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.