Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
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the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself