Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP