Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

i wonder why they stopped looking

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

huge valentines day plans this year!!

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.

Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness

my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill

me: *just sitting there all 40*

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?