Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?

I lost him to addiction.

Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?

Yes please.

alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

these can’t be my only options

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*