Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
