Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
