Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Howl 😭
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Note to self: always read the final line
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
