Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Single worst piece of software ever invented

To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.