Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

my favorite genre of twitter

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

Every time.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.