Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
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I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.