Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

feb 14: i love everything about u

feb 15: don’t breathe like that

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump

My wife: “Do you even like writing?”

Me: “I like having written.”

I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!

Until the dog humped the couch

*driving my date to the ER*

I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else

MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.