Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
The point of your 20s
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.